Family
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: Aftermath of Barge of the Dead JC, CT, JT, PT. This story takes place during and after Barge of the Dead
1. Chapter 1

**Part 15: Family**

Summary:

Aftermath of Barge of the Dead (J/C, CT, JT, P/T). This story takes place during and after _Barge of the Dead_

_Pairing: _J/C, CT, JT, P/T _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Drama _Level_: 2

* * *

**Part 16: Family**

_**Today**_

"Bridge to the Captain," Chakotay called urgently over the Com system.

"Found her Commander?"

"Yes Captain, we're tractoring her shuttle in now, but her life signs are faint, I'm beaming her over to sickbay."

"Acknowledged, I'm on my way there."

"Tuvok?"

The security chief of Voyager nodded his head and a moment later answered by saying,

"Transport complete."

"Tom." Chakotay inclined his head to the Turbolift doors. The Ensign did not need to be told twice, he practically ran to the Turbolift.

There were some who weren't as fortunate; some who didn't have an excuse to go down to sickbay to see for themselves if a valued member of the crew, if a friend was OK. Chakotay took his chair and punched in a few controls intending to carry on with ship's business that required his attention. He fidgeted and found he couldn't get comfortable in his chair. He attempted to read through his reports, couldn't get through it. No matter how many times he had to go through this, no matter if he were the Captain or the first Officer, it still rattled him. He sighed deeply, they had a 35 year journey ahead of them, no doubt waiting and wondering whether any member of the senior crew was going to be alright would take up a significant portion of his time on this trip.

He knew that was the reason why most Starfleet Captains and Commanders kept their distance. It lessened the feelings of lost when one member of the crew died. But in the situation that they were in, because they were so isolated and only had each other to depend on, the crew had now become a family and the members of the senior staff, as well as Seven and Neelix; members of his immediate family.

B'Elanna was like his sister. They had been through so many things in the past that they had moved from being commander and crewman, to friends, to close friends then to brother and sister. It was one of the best things about being stranded here in the Delta Quadrant and at times the only thing that kept him sane. How close he had become to so many people. Even people who served under him in the Alpha Quadrant who he had considered friends, who he had no problem laying down his life for because they were in the same cause together, he got to know much better being in the Delta Quadrant. Now he would lay down his life for them as a member of _his_ family instead of just friends committed to a cause.

He remembered the angry half Klingon that he rescued from the Cardassians, the competent engineer that he hired on his ship, the friend that stood by his side and pleaded for him in the early years of their journey, the close friend that had allowed him to help her when she pushed everyone else away and the sister that had stood by him when he was going through his own personal hell and he prayed that he wouldn't lose her.

"Janeway to Bridge"

"Chakotay here,"

"She's alright Commander, I'll be down in the shuttle bay if you need me."

Chakotay thanked the spirits guiding them and finally he found that he was able to get back to his work.

* * *

"How are you feeling?"

"Um...a little out of place" With one look at B'Elanna, Chakotay realized that she was telling the truth when she uttered that statement.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Yes…." He made motion to sit in her recliner that was standard issue for the sleeping area of her quarters when she called him back with her doubts.

"…and no." With that, he began to leave. Whenever she was ready to talk, he knew that she would find him.

"Let me know when you decide."

He was just about to exit her quarters when she called him back with her statement,

"I don't know how to say this without sounding crazy,"

"Try,"

"Do you believe in an afterlife?" Chakotay hesitated when she asked that question. Now he understood why the Doctor was a little concerned about her and had passed that concern along to Kathryn who passed it along to him. He was planning to see her anyway, he just made it sooner than later.

He chose his next words carefully, he had been in this situation before and he didn't want it to end up like a repeat of the last time when he tried to help a friend figure out his beliefs about the after life. "I accept there are things in the universe than can't be scanned with a tricorder,"

"What _happened_ to you out there?" His concerned increased with the look on her face.

"I think...I died. I died, and I was on the Barge of the Dead in the Klingon afterlife."

"Klingon mythology has been ingrained in you since you were a child. It's not surprising you experienced some of those images while you were unconscious."

"I saw my _mother_, Chakotay! If it was real, then she's _dead_." Chakotay did not like where this was heading.

"B'Elanna...your mother...the Barge of the Dead...those are just _symbols_. It's your subconscious mind trying to tell you something."

"Tell me what? That my _mother_ is going to _Hell_?" B'Elanna looked spooked at the thought and given what she was saying, Chakotay did not blame her.

"You need _time_ to digest what you experienced. You have to _interpret_ the symbols and search for their _meaning_!"

"What if there _is_ no symbolism to interpret? What if the afterlife is _real_?" B'Elanna was pacing as things that were going through her mind began to spill out of her mouth. Finally she turned and faced him.

"I'm an _engineer_. My whole life, I've immersed myself in science and...and schematics. But what if it's time to start looking _beyond_ that?"

Something came to his mind unexpectedly and he shared it with her. "My grandfather used to think he could transform himself into a wolf so that he could venture out to explore the spirit realm. _It was real to him_. As real as what your experience was to you. But that doesn't mean he grew hair all over his body and walked around on all fours."

"My mother has been on my mind a lot lately. We just had a big anniversary. It's been ten years...since we talked." She conceded on that point.

"But it was _so real_! I could _taste_ the blood in the air. I could _feel_ the wind. I was _seasick_ from the rocking of the boat!"

For that he had no answer and they shared a silence while B'Elanna came and sat down on the bed and faced him again. He put his hand on her arm and continued after a short period of silence.

"B'Elanna, take some time to think about this, study what's going on before you come to any conclusions. Don't just rush into this trying to find answers. Live with the questions a little." He gave a smile after saying that.

"OK" It was tentative, and Chakotay wondered if she could do just that.

* * *

_**Tomorrow:**_

But he was still worried about her. Whenever he saw her throughout the day, she seemed pre-occupied and he had a bad feeling in his gut about this. B'Elanna may have never been one to examine her inner self, but she was definitely one to rush into something that she firmly believed in.

"Commander Chakotay, please report to my ready room."

He complied and before he could get to her desk, Kathryn joined him in the middle of the room waving a PADD. "Did you know about this?"

He took it from her and read the request. The knot in his gut tightened.

"No"

"Have you spoken to her since she got back?"

"Yes I did." He would say no more than that and Kathryn was a little annoyed although she understood why.

"In your opinion, is B'Elanna still trying to hurt herself, has she suffered a relapse?"

"No Captain, but something happened to her out there, something that is changing her and it is something that she is grappling with, but she is not mentally unsound."

"I don't know how you can say that after reading what's on this PADD."

Chakotay let it go for something much more practical. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to let her do this." Kathryn was adamant about that point.

* * *

_Why am I allowing her to do this?_

Kathryn's mind pondered the question when she finished setting up the medical equipment and watched B'Elanna getting ready to simulate the conditions of the shuttle accident that almost killed her.

_"My mother never had the chance to be proud of me. I'd like her to know me the way you do. I don't want her to die thinking of me as a disgrace." _

_"You have to let me do this,"_

And therein lay the reason. She remembered that at one time Chakotay told her that she had become a surrogate mother to her Chief Engineer. She had believed him to an extent but with the argument that B'Elanna gave her today, she realized how right he was. Kathryn had to give her the chance to do right by her mother, and because she had given so much to Voyager, so much to _her_; she deserved the chance.

She prayed that it would be alright….speaking of which…..

"Janeway to Chakotay"

"Go ahead"

I've decided to grant B'Elanna's request"

"Captain?" She could just see him standing there with his arms on his hips and one of his perplexed looks on his face, one that he reserved just for her. They had been together as Captain and First Officer for a long time and so she knew……

* * *

"I'm in sick bay right now, so you have the bridge until I get back."

"Understood."

…….he wouldn't argue. And knowing how deeply spiritual he was, she knew that he most likely….

* * *

"Tuvok, you have the bridge. I need to take care of something."

The Vulcan gave a slight nod as he took his place in the Captain's vacant chair as Chakotay exited the bridge.

"_ah-koo-chee-moya_. I am far from the sacred places of my grandfathers. I am far from the bones of my people. One of my closest friends has embarked on a spiritual journey to find answers to what she has experienced. I pray that a powerful being who will embrace her and give her the answers she seeks and deliver her back to us, _safe and sound_."

* * *

"Mother?" Was the first word that B'Elanna uttered and she sat upright on the bed as she took in her surroundings. She focused on Kathryn who had come near the surgical bay.

_She made it,_ Kathryn circled the surgical bay as if to confirm this fact for herself. _I'm never going to allow anything so reckless like this again!_

"Oh, God, I'm alive," B'Elanna whispered. She reached out to hugged the Captain fiercely.

Kathryn was surprised. Initially it didn't allow her to do much more, but in the end she chose in this instant not to be the Captain, but to be what B'Elanna needed her to be at this particular time…a representation of her mother. She hugged her Chief Engineer fiercely in turn and realized that she didn't have to chose to assume that role, but that it flowed from her naturally, because without realizing it, in a way she _had_ become a mother to B'Elanna. It was a role that she didn't mind playing, because as she had said in the conference room, B'Elanna had become a valued officer on Voyager and as Kathryn remembered the angry young woman that she had to be talked into promoting, she was proud to have been a guiding force in that development.

"Welcome back," She whispered in B'Elanna's ear and surprisingly, Kathryn felt B'Elanna give a small laugh, or was it a sob, because her neck felt wet. B'Elanna held on to her as if her life had depended on it and Kathryn had a feeling that maybe it did.

When B'Elanna saw him and saw the expression on his face, she gave a small laugh as she was clinging on to the Captain. Without a word, she could see that he had understood and he was happy for her as well as relieved. He also sensed where she was now.

Chakotay stood at the medical consul in Sickbay next to the Doctor observing the scene. He watched all the players in it and saw their expressions…..The Doctor's relieved look, Tom's concerned look for his woman, B'Elanna's tears signalling her joy at being alive and something deeper, but Kathryn's look, he could not examine because she was facing away from him.

The Doctor moved slowly, seemingly unwilling to break up the scene before him, but knowing that he had to in order to perform his duties. He began running scans on B'Elanna and unwillingly she let go of the Captain, however, Tom did not let go of her. It seemed that the Ensign wanted to remind himself that he hadn't lost her and that she was still alive. The Doctor completed his scans around him.

"You've been through a lot Lieutenant. I'm going to suggest bed rest for two days before going back on duty."

B'Elanna nodded and leaned on Tom for support. She gave no argument and Chakotay wondered if she didn't because she needed the time off, but not for recuperation, but reflection.

During this time the Captain had joined Chakotay where he was standing. He had come no closer, having no duties to perform and wanting to preserve the intimacy that he was seeing as long as possible.

"Commander?" Kathryn addressed him softly.

"I just came to make sure that everything was OK." Chakotay faced Kathryn and scrutinized her. She for her part let the mask slip a little and he saw the hesitation and the wonder at what she had just witnessed and been a part of.

"It was touch and go there for a while, but we've got her back Commander."

"I'd say you got back a lot more." Kathryn looked at him a little longer and nodded. The Doctor came up to Chakotay,

"Lt Torres is to be given two days off of duty in order for her to recover."

"I'll make the necessary adjustments." At that time, both Paris and Torres came joined the Captain and Commander at the Doctor's office.

"Tom, you'll make sure that B'Elanna gets to her quarters safely?"

Tom looked at the Commander gratefully and nodded. He was supposed to be on duty at the helm and was only in Sickbay because he was the chief medic. Now the Commander was giving him time off to be with B'Elanna for a little while longer, Chakotay had guessed correctly that this what both he and B'Elanna needed.

"Thank you Captain." B'Elanna said quietly

The tears were still falling down her cheeks as she said so. The Captain nodded and Chakotay noticed the tender look that Kathryn gave her.

"And thanks Chakotay."

He looked puzzled.

"For being there, both on the Barge of the Dead and here. I know you were praying for me while the Captain, Tom and the Doctor were fighting for me. I felt it and I wanted to tell you thanks."

Chakotay did a double take at B'Elanna being this intimate with him in front of the Captain and her lover. He knew that she was never one for public displays of affection whether it was towards her lover or anyone else.

He nodded and Tom and B'Elanna left sick bay as he joined the Captain right behind them.

"Kathryn, it's almost lunch time, get something to eat. I'll cover for you on the Bridge." Chakotay intruded on their silent walk as they reached the Turbolift.

"Thank you Commander."

They parted ways as Chakotay headed to the bridge and Janeway to her quarters.

* * *

_Be Boop_

"Come"

"Captain."

"Chakotay, what is it?"

"I came to give you the update on ship systems that you requested."

"I thought I had requested that for 08:00 hours tomorrow."

Chakotay grinned at her bemused remark.

"OK you got me." He settled on he lounger in her living area. "I wanted to come by and see how you were doing."

"Finishing my master piece." She turned the easel towards him. He saw swirls of red and grey framing a woman who was obviously Klingon and human. The Klingon Emblem was painted in a corner.

"B'Elanna?" He asked puzzled.

"Yes. But I've named it _Family_. I just needed something to do while I was thinking."

"Are you going to give it to her?"

"It's not that good." Kathryn squinted at it and frowned. It seemed that until he had mentioned it, she had not even contemplated giving it away.

"I'm sure she would appreciate it anyway."

"Maybe one day." Kathryn continued putting the finishing touches and Chakotay watched her in silence. It was Kathryn who broke it.

"You know, I remember the angry young woman whom you wanted to be Chief Engineer. In fact I remember the prickly young woman who was a loner and a brilliant scientist. I remember a young woman who had proven her worth over and over again. I remember one who we had almost lost to herself and I remember seeing a young woman's anger resurface along with resolution for it not to beat her. I wonder what young woman that came back from the dead today."

"I don't know but I get the feeling that we're going to find out soon."

Chakotay pretended to be scrutinizing the painting intensely as he asked, "What about the Captain who was caught in the bear hug?"

"Oh she's realizing that she really is the mother of two women. And to think, I promised myself that I would wait until I got married. I always wondered what kind of mother I would make."

Chakotay chuckled at that.

"Well sometimes fate has other ideas. Or should I say Starfleet had other ideas. If you hadn't been chasing us in the Badlands, if you and Tuvok were not so close that you felt that you had to rescue him, if the Kazon were not such a foolish masochist race………" Chakotay began carefully and studied her as he spoke.

Kathryn knew why, "You know, there've been many days when I've regretted the decision that I made over five years ago and then there are days like today when I realize the wisdom of Admiral Paris' words.

As Starfleet Captains, we don't chose the missions, the missions chose us. Somehow in every mission that we are assigned, we learn a little more about of who we are and what matters most to us."

"I wonder," Kathryn continued as she cleaned up her brushes. "If B'Elanna hadn't been stranded here, would she have ever realized how much she had to offer as a person; to her Captain, her lover, her family and to society?"

"Maybe, but I think that this way it's best. Sometimes I think that when we are most lost, that we are found."

"What about you Commander, have you been found?"

Chakotay didn't hesitate.

"I'm in process. What about you?"

Something strange popped into Kathryn's mind. Suddenly, Chakotay seemed out of place sitting next to her watching her paint. And she realized why. No one had ever watched her while she did, it was always something she did in solitary, even the last time……when was it…….three years ago when she did paint a small picture at the end of time when the Macroviruses had invaded the ship. That time, she had been careful not to show him what she was working on and he had not even asked about it and had certainly not invited himself to see. Now look at them. If this mission hadn't occurred, this would never be the type of behaviour that she would have encouraged, or even depended upon as Captain.

"In process also."

Chakotay grinned at her and touched her arm to signal his leaving.

"See you in the morning Captain?"

"Have a good night Commander."

She watched his retreating figure go out of her quarters and sat lost in thought for a couple more minutes. Making a decision, she called up the database and sifted through information. She finally found what she was looking for in the Federation Central Archives. Walking back to her easel still lost in thought, she began another painting.

_Let's hope this one comes out better, _was her final thought before she became lost in her work.


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Next Day:**_

"Chakotay!" B'Elanna raced down the hall to catch up with him.

"Just the person I wanted to see. I haven't had a chance to talk to you since you recovered. How are you?"

Chakotay stopped and gave her one of his intense stares. B'Elanna smiled and it softened her appearance.

"I'm fine."

"Did you find all of the answers you sought?"

"Some." And with that B'Elanna was quiet.

"I'm glad." B'Elanna began shuffling on her feet and Chakotay guessed correctly that talking about it made her uncomfortable.

"Don't force it B'Elanna, when you're ready to talk about it, you know where to find me." With that Chakotay began to take his leave. He was stopped when B'Elanna put her hand on his arm.

"Chakotay…" She stopped for a while and then started again. "Once I accused you of becoming the ship's counsellor but you insisted that you were just a friend. Right now, I need a friend to help me sort through what I experienced. Will you help me?"

Chakotay was beaming. B'Elanna said 'help me' in a sentence and there was no indication that she was talking about a technical problem or piece of machinery. He knew that what she had gone through would have changed her, but he didn't think that he would be seeing the results of that change so soon.

"I'd be honoured. When?"

"How about 19:00 hrs when I get off of duty. Meet me in my quarters?"

"Don't say it too loud, people might start getting ideas."

"They can get all the ideas they want, but I find out that anyone has been circulating that kind of rumour and Tom hears of it, I'll rip their tongues out and make my next pair of boots out it. Who do they think Tom and I are? You and the Captain?"

"Lieutenant!"

Chakotay was trying to be stern, but knew she that he was laughing on the inside.

"Just kidding Chakotay, I'll see you then." B'Elanna left chuckling. Chakotay did a double take and debated whether or not he should send her to sickbay for a check up. But he knew what it was. And he looked forward to hearing more of what she had gone through on the Barge of the Dead later that night.

* * *

When he entered B'Elanna's quarters at her bidding, the candles were burning in full force and they had an aroma that Chakotay had never smelled before.

"What are they?" He asked gesturing to the candles.

"They're Klingon healing candles, they have a calming aroma and chemicals that sharpen the senses. It's normally used when a warrior is preparing for battle."

"We're going into battle?" Chakotay made himself comfortable joining her on the floor on the cushions that she had laid out for them.

"No, but there is wisdom in opening up the senses and calming the nerves for what I'm about to say. My emotions have been in an uproar for these past few days."

B'Elanna fell silent watching the candle and closed her eyes for a moment. He could hear her breathing becoming regular and he joined her. After a while, he found out that she was right about the candles. It did calm him and allow him to focus his mind on what was to come by emptying it of all the mindless things that had come to his attention that day on the ship. After about 10 minutes he slowly opened his eyes and found B'Elanna watching him.

B'Elanna found that she did not want to break the silence so she sat for a while longer staring at Chakotay and he let her by not breaking her gaze. He smiled; it was a small one but she read in it an encouragement to go on.

"Yesterday, I found out that my version of Hell is Voyager." B'Elanna said haltingly almost as if she knew that he was going to stop her. But Chakotay knew better than to interrupt. He had listened to a lot of the crew during difficult periods of their individual journeys and knew when to interrupt and when not to, but she didn't know that.

Chakotay gave her space to continue. "Apparently, I have pushed everyone so far away that I've created my own Hell right where I live. You were all there; the Captain, you, my mother, Tom, Harry, Neelix, The Doctor, Tuvok even Seven. All telling me what Hell I have made for myself aboard this ship by pushing people out of my life, away from me.

The Captain told me that I had let my anger consume me and now it was consuming all of you. All of the people on this ship who are my closest friends…all the people that I love." B'Elanna was looking down at that point, but when she said that last part of her sentence, she took a chance and looked up into Chakotay's face. The smile was still there and it encouraged her to go on.

"Has my anger consumed you?"

"Yes…." Chakotay hesitated as he saw the look of sorrow on her face. "But not in the way that you think. You've been so angry at the world B'Elanna and until recently, you've been so comfortable in it that you've used it as your shield to prevent you from getting hurt again. It does that, but it also blocks a lot of the love, the joy that your friends want to share with you. It has consumed us, because there is much that we want to share with you professionally, personally and I would even venture to say intimately on Tom's part, but you have been blocking it, B'Elanna and you've hurt us by refusing the gift that we want to share with you."

"Why would you want to share that kind of gift with me, I'm just an angry half Klingon."

"There you go again. Do you realize that it's the first thing you say about yourself when you talk to anyone of us? If I had to describe you I wouldn't use those terms at first. I'd use them last. You're a good friend, an excellent engineer, a passionate person, a loyal individual who gives all of her expertise and her energy to any project or cause that she has deems worthy. Yes you're a half Klingon and yes you're angry more than any other Klingon that I know, but what is good in you far outweighs that."

"I tried to be a good daughter, a good Starfleet Officer, a good Maquis, lover, friend but my anger just seems to come out and threaten everything that means something to me."

"B'Elanna what image are you trying to live up to?" Chakotay placed his hand lightly on her arm as a lightbulb went off in his head. He didn't know where it came from then, but after he made a mental note to make time to thank his spirit guide for the inspiration.

"What I think is a good Maquis? What Kathryn thinks is a good Starfleet Officer? What you mother thinks is a good daughter? What Tom thinks is a good lover? What the others think what makes a good friend and co-worker and what the engineering crew thinks is a good boss? No wonder you're angry, I would be too if I tried to live up to that many other people's high expectations."

"_B'Elanna.."_

B'Elanna was mesmerized by what he was saying. He leaned over to her and gripped her arm tightly in order that the impact of his words would also be felt.

"We only want you to be who you are, we only want _you. _However you determine is the best way to be a good Officer, daughter, lover and friend. Who you are and who you are becoming is all you have to live up to. You just have to be true to yourself. Chose to live B'Elanna, not to exist as a pale imitation of what you think we expect from you."

B'Elanna gasped and covered her mouth with her free hand. Chakotay realized that he was holding her wrist too tightly and he let go, thinking he had hurt her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you…." He began but she cut him off by grasping his hand. She stared at him and he could see the fire coming from her soul into her spirit. This was the B'Elanna who had earned her place in his heart, the one who he had seen so infrequently. This was the truest expression of herself.

"No, no….It's just that's what the Captain said, when I was on the Barge of the Dead, She told me that you, all of my friends here on Voyager only wanted _me_ and my mother……she told me that she couldn't give me what I was denying myself, she couldn't define who I was or who I should be. I was the only one who could do that…..she _told_ me…..she told me that I should _choose to live_." B'Elanna pinned him with her stare and Chakotay gave her a look of surprise that lingered as he considered what she had said, meant.

"I told you that you were there Chakotay, you didn't believe me." B'Elanna was silent for a time after she made that statement.

Chakotay looked down trying to reason out what she had said, but then he gave up and accepted it. When he looked up again, B'Elanna was smiling at him.

"Someone wise once told me that there are things in the universe that can't be scanned with a tricorder. I think that we were both part of one of those things yesterday."

"That person was very wise indeed. And….. a good friend that you would remember what he said."

"A close friend, a big brother, and the kind I wish I had when I was growing up. A friend who never gave up on me while I was giving up on myself and a brother who made sure that the world didn't harm me while I was growing up."

Chakotay basked in the warmth of her compliment in silence.

"I threw my anger away on the Barge." B'Elanna was the one who broke it.

"Do you think you've seen the end of it?"

B'Elanna thought for a while and then she said. "No…….. maybe it wasn't my anger that I threw. Maybe it was my self-loathing, my fighting with myself, my fighting people from getting close to me."

"My mother had told me that I had taken the first steps on my journey. I guess it's the first steps of really wanting to control my anger, to channel it to honour my Klingon heritage instead of bringing dishonour to my family. Also the first steps of letting people in; to stop my anger from preventing me caring for someone….caring for all of _you_." B'Elanna's voice was very soft as she said that.

"The Captain must think that I went to the Barge of the Dead and flipped out huh?" B'Elanna changed topics as she said that. Chakotay looked at her. She knew him too well. She knew he would have sought out the Captain by now to see what she thought of B'Elanna's actions in sickbay.

"No. Yesterday's experience didn't only change you, B'Elanna, and _you've_ changed Kathryn a lot, you've given her a lot to think about. And before you say it, it's not all bad and she has no regrets. In fact you've changed her mind about a lot of things and it's for the better."

"I guess you can't elaborate, huh?"

"Nope, she enjoys the same friend-friend confidentiality as you do." Chakotay laughed as B'Elanna made a face.

"Now what Chakotay?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I was kind of hoping you'll help me with it. Maybe you have some kind of ritual that you people do when you've gone through a life changing experience. I promise I won't try to kill my spirit guide."

"Forget the ritual, it's meaningless….."

"Stop it Chakotay." B'Elanna was shivering, Chakotay looked at her with concern.

"What's wrong, Do you want me to call sickbay?"

"No……no. Continue what you were saying." B'Elanna got a grip on herself, but she was still a little freaked out by what she was hearing.

"Forget the rituals, it's meaningless if you don't truly believe. Right now the best way that I can help you through this, is to tell you to find your own way."

"I'm afraid that I'll mess it up."

"From what I've seen so far, I think that you're doing just fine."

* * *

**_Sometime After_:**

He made it through the door, took off his jacket and sat on the couch. It had been a long day. There were so much sensor data to analyze before he, Tom, Harry and Neelix went on their away mission that he had been working 15 hours a day for the past three days.

That wasn't all. His regular function as First Officer had become very demanding in the past week. The crew was suffering from Cabin fever. They hadn't had shore leave in about a month. He knew that he had one Vulcan going through her Ponn Farr. Talare had been on sick leave twice in the last three days and the other crew members in Stella Cartography were running themselves ragged trying to do her work plus their own in time for the mission. Seven was upset that one the crew members assigned to Astrometrics had been rotated into Stella Cartography to pick up some of the slack and was taking it out on all of them by being super efficient and decrying everyone who wasn't. He had to talk to her twice in the past week.

Tuvok was more snippy than ever over some practical joke that Tom and Harry had played on him just to keep _them_ from going stir crazy. Neelix was going through one of his cooking spates and had been brushing on Alpha quadrant cuisine by making Bolian dishes for the last two weeks which normally features an inordinate amount of meat. Tom and B'Elanna were so happy and gushing around each other that the other crew members who weren't so fortunate were making rude remarks. He had to remind them that B'Elanna was half Klingon and what would probably happen to them if she found out. He just found doing that easier than dealing with it formally. And to top it off the Captain was either busy with ship systems or in her quarters not coming out, so there was no one to share his frustrations with.

_It's enough to make a First Officer want to scream and abandon ship._

Chakotay made himself get up and go to the sonic shower. As he stripped, he felt the heaviness of his uniform in his hands and he balled it up and tossed it in the corner, meaning to put it in the recycler later.

_Days like today, I'm sorry I ever put that damn thing on again._

As the pulses, began jettisoning all the dirt that he had picked up during the day, Chakotay began to feel a little better. He stayed in the shower until he felt a little more human and afterwards he wrapped a towel around his waist and proceeded to the replicator. He ordered dinner and sat down to eat without getting dressed. It was quiet, too quiet and a thought that had been forming in his mind was telling him how much in a funk he was.

_I'm there for the Captain, I'm there for the crew; Who the hell is there for me?_

_Wallowing is not like you Chakotay._

His father's voice popped into his head.

He put on Jazz, slow and low. He rummaged around in the storage compartment in his living area and found the incense that B'Elanna had given him a while ago, after his experiences in Chaotic Space. He lit one stick but it wasn't enough to light the darkness, since the only light burning in his quarters was in the bathroom. He put the stick of incense on the dresser besides his bed, felt around until he found a set of night clothes in the drawer, and climbed into bed.

He must have dozed off for a while and in his dream he doing rounds. He kept walking into rooms, corridors and crew members nodded to him saying _'aye sir'_, _'right away sir'_, _'we're right behind you sir'_. In Astrometrics, Seven told him _'As you wish Commander_.' In Tuvok's Office, Tuvok greeted him with, 'I _can function up to two weeks without sleep, you however should get some rest_'. Tom and Harry were on the Bridge when he came in, _'We've got your shift sir, you should try and get some sleep.'_ In sickbay, the Doctor told him, _'I'm recommending that you take the next two days off_.' And in Engineering, B'Elanna told him_, 'I got this one big brother.'_ Finally he reached in the Ready Room. '_You're fine First Officer Chakotay, but you don't know when to let go. You've been here for each one of us._' All of the members of the senior staff, Seven and Neelix nodded their acceptance of the Captain's words. _'Now let us be there for you._' At that the senior staff disappeared at that moment, and he was left with just Kathryn. _'Let **me** be there for you.'_

And with that Chakotay slowly opened his eyes.

_Well no doubt what's on my mind._

It seemed that the past week had taken its toll. He was never one who needed verbal reassurances. He did his job to the best of his abilities because he was committed to the ship's goal and it flowed out of who he was and who he wanted to be. His job must be really wearing him down for him to be dreaming of getting reassurances from the crew.

As Chakotay struggled with this realization, his eyes followed a thin plume of smoke flowing from the stand where the incense was, as it illuminated something on the wall facing his bed. Something that he did not put there.

"Computer Lights"

Chakotay faced himself.

It was a good painting of himself, or at least his tattoo over his left side of his face. Only that quarter of his face was visible. In the second quadrant, where his right eye should be, showed lightning coming out of the socket and his hair blended into that illusion. The face was a backdrop to the silhouette of a man in a Starfleet uniform walking on a desert surface. The face was not visible on the man, but only his left eye and his tattoo were clearly defined on the backdrop. The entire painting was done in black, white and grey. Chakotay slowly came off the bed and studied himself.

It was a powerful image. He felt the darkness, the mysteriousness and the sparks of energy of lightning showing the wisdom of the visage. The only thing that made it clear that it was him was the tattoo; that brand that marked him, that defined him and shaped his journey through the second part of his life. And that tattoo framed the look of wisdom in his left eye.

Chakotay reached out slowly and touched the image. And he noticed the engraving at the bottom:

_Voyager's Great Mother's Messenger_

_Kathryn Janeway _

_2377_

_Just when you think that you're having the worst day…..something like this happens_. Chakotay thought in wonder.

"Chakotay to Janeway." He spoke softly as he activated the Conn system.

"Go ahead." The response was instantaneous. "Would you please come to my quarters, there is something here I need to show you."

There was a slight hesitation this time. "On my way"

The picture was not framed, but it was stretched across a simple wooden support. Kathryn had even hung it up where he was sure to see it directly opposite his bed.

"Well what do you think?" He had heard someone enter his quarters, but he had been so mesmerized that the noise seemed to fade into the background. He turned, and he saw Kathryn standing at the entrance to his bedroom.

"Kathryn, tell me what does this picture tell you about who I am? What did you see in me that wanted to convey on this canvas?"

"Why don't you tell me what you see and I'll tell you if I have to do it again." She stepped into his bedroom and stood next to him as he ran his fingers lightly across the canvas.

"Strength, wisdom, darkness, light, heritage, pride, compassion, stubbornness, loneliness, commitment and determination. "

Chakotay turned and faced his best friend and his Commanding Officer,

"Do all of these describe me?"

Kathryn's smile was wide and Chakotay saw it when he turned around.

"I guess I won't have to do it over."

"Even if you I'd still keep this one. It speaks to me……it touches me deeply."

"I hope it does as much as my chronometer did when you gave it to me."

Chakotay took her hand for a brief moment as he said. "Maybe more." He looked into her eyes as he said it and Kathryn knew he meant it.

"I put it in your bedroom because I didn't want you to miss it. You can put it where ever you'd like."

"It belongs here." With that simple sentence, Kathryn realized how much she meant to him and Chakotay realized how highly she regarded him and how well she knew him.

"You can look at it a little more tomorrow, on your day off."

"Captain, there is a ton of work to do………."

"I know, and we will get it done, but you've had a rough week and it's taken its toll. And don't tell me it hasn't because I know you too well."

Chakotay smiled. "Yes Ma'am"

"Good-night Chakotay."

He placed his palm on her face and looked at her again. Why did he choose to reveal himself to her? How did she get to know him so well?

"Because you let me." Chakotay hadn't realized he had asked the question aloud until Kathryn answered.

He studied her again and she held his gaze.

"Good-night Kathryn."

And with that she took her leave.

Chakotay climbed back into bed and with the lights at quarter illumination, studied the image until he fell asleep.

The end

**Part 17: Reflections in a Dark Mirror**


End file.
